Top 5 Ways To Ruin a First Date

So, you've finally got up the balls to ask the cashier at register #5 to meet you after work for a beer. She's gorgeous, She's got blond hair, she's so sweet, she sweats Mountain Dew and she's probably out of your league. You don't want to screw up this opportunity. You'd rather stick a fork in your eye than mess up this night. Make sure you follow our tips, or you'll remain a loser for the rest of your life.

Get drunk or high before.

If you dare drink or smoke before a first date, you have no fucking chance of becoming a decent member of the human race, much less continue to date. Appearing at some chick's door "all fucked up" or with even a slight buzz is a turn off. Just ask Janice Delaritti 22, of Austin,Texas.

"I met a guy at a coffee shop", explains Janice. "He seemed really nice, we exchanged phone numbers and email addresses and he called me two nights later. He asked me out for the coming Saturday and since I didn't have anything going on I said, What the heck? I might as well go out with him."

Unfortunately, this date did not have a fairy-tale romantic ending.

"Tyler (His parents allegedly named him after Aerosmith lead singer, Steven Tyler), came to pick me up at my apartment. My room mate was home and she let him in, while I quickly adjusted my makeup one more time in the bathroom. I walked out to the living room and I could smell the beer off this guy. What a complete turn off. I didn't not only not want to go out with him, but there was no way I was jumping into a car with, either. I simply told him that I couldn't go out because I had just taken ill in the bathroom. I guided him to the door as quickly as I could and told him I'd see him around. He asked if he could call me the following day and I told him yes. But guess who won't be answering?"

Dress Like a Pig

Want to guarantee there's no second date? Dress like a fucking slob and you'll assure yourself, the only pussy you'll be getting shits in a box and scratches your furniture. Sharon Starr of Picbasket Modeling says, "That's my biggest pet peeve when it comes to guys. Even if they're dressed in a $300 suit and arrive at my door in a BMW convertible, they'll be something that will throw me off. Like shoes. Wrong color for the suit, sneakers, or shoes scuffed so badly, they're ready for the trash. I'm big on shoes. Why? Women place a lot of time and thought into an outfit for a date and we'd like our dates to at least have a little consideration when it comes to dressing. When you show up with bad shoes, it makes me think you didn't care enough about the date to go all the way. If you don't go all the way for us, we won't go all the way with you."

If your ex was so impressive, how come she's your ex?

Talk About Your Ex All Night Long

It's only natural to discuss your situation with the other on a date, but going on about her all night long (or her going on about him) is more of a turnoff than sardines on pizza.

Exotic Dancer, Red Deb, of Boston, Ma. believes if one is talking about their ex for an extended amount of time, they must either be still interested, or bitter about relationships, overall.

"I don't date guys as a rule, because I deal with them all night at the club. Some are sweet, but most that walk into strip clubs are complete pigs. I don't consider myself a lesbian, but at 26, I've had more solid relationships with women, than men. That being said, when we're out, don't talk about how your relationship could have worked out better, or ask my advice on what you could have done to save your relationship. Guy or girl, you'll bring the night to a dead halt. Ask her questions. Ask her LOTS of questions. You'll show your interest, you'll show concern and you'll make her feel special. That's the secret. Make her feel special."

Be a Cheap Bastard

Nothing says "Let me outta here" like being cheap does. Ok, we're living in different times and although are parents and grandparents may be traditionalists, people have evolved. "It's ok to split a lunch tab, a Starbucks bill, or even breakfast at McDonald's, but if you ask me out and pick me up, you should pay the bill", says expert website dater, Mallory Bianca. "I've made a living at dating guys online. Actually, let me clear that up. I'm not a prostitute or escort, but I run a bunch of dating sites and I date some of my clients and write about the experiences in my blog. If you ask me out to dinner (I don't care if it's at Long John Silver's), don't expect me to pay for half the tab. If I invite you to my house for dinner, I don't expect you to bring your own food, do I? Don't ask me to pay. That includes, dinner, drinks and tip. If you want to see me again (and trust me, you will), you'll pay for  everything and not whine about it like a little bitch."

Display Poor Hygiene

Do you stink and not know it? Bullshit! You know it, It's impossible not to know you stink. Give yourself a sniff right now. Get that big assed nose of yours tight in your armpit and take a deep whiff. If you don't shower regularly, don't expect to get a lot of dates, unless you find a stinky counterpart in the other sex.Now, I'm not your doctor, nor am I fucking Google. If you know you got some stinky shit going on, make sure you take care of it, immediately. Don't expect me to solve your problems for you. I went to school with a stinky kid. The nuns made me sit next to him for 6 months. I never forgave them. Now remember...take a fucking shower and brush your teeth for fuck's sake.